I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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