just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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