The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
