soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
if only i could text you this smell
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
