How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
