so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
