Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
