Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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