I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
