1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
