I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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