Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
This baby is an asshole
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
