woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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