We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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