My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize