God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
