Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize