On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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