You smell like stripper and shame
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
