he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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