Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
