Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
