We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
