my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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