I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
