The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
