All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
