do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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