Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
