I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
