yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You pole danced in your parka.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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