Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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