I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
