this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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