i may or may not be watching the land before time
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
