There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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