and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
That's how pantless uber rides happen
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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