he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
