someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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