3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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