My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I can text with my tongue
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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