Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
