This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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