i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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