I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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