She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
