question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sext me about skeletons
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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