dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
