seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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