Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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