just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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