Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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