where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
