My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
