For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
