you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
