watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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