My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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