here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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