I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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