Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
